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Move over boating DUIs, shopping cart DUIs are this year's coolest way for Alaskans to be intoxicated aboard a moving object.
Just like the time the Fonz jumped that shark, Merrill Keith Moses attempted to tear down walls and let the joy shine in by riding his grocery cart chariot out of the grocery store parking lot and into oncoming traffic, reports United Press International.
Despite his future place as an Alaskan folk hero, possibly even on some sort of shopping cart totem pole, Moses bummed us all out by breaking the law.
My Other Car Is a Grocery Cart
The trouble started for Moses when he attempted, like his biblical namesake, to part a sea of cars using only a motorized shopping cart from a Fairbanks-area grocery store.
But what awaited him was not a land of milk and honey, or even manna from heaven; it was a field sobriety test.
Adding to the indignity was a cruelly accurate preliminary Breathalyzer that measured the 63-year-old's blood alcohol level at almost four times the legal limit, according to UPI.
Breathalyzer? I Hardly Know Her
Once in custody, adrenaline junkie Moses refused to submit to an official Breathalyzer, which in Alaska carries the following minimum punishments:
Refusing a Breathalyzer in Sarah Palin's neighborhood carries practically the same punishment as a first-time DUI in any other state.
Shopping Cart DUI? Really?
In Alaska, as well as many other states, the driving of a "motor vehicle" can include driving a motorized shopping cart, even if it's driven for just a few hundred feet.
In most states you don't even have to be awake as long as you're behind the wheel and really sauced -- or in Moses' case, just really drunk in an electric shopping cart with some stolen snacks.
This queasy rider won't even get to enjoy the fruits (or in this case, cookies and cake mix) of his high speed heist, as his prior record of DUI, theft, and domestic assault, according to the Associated Press, will probably keep him behind bars until Fast & Furious 7 starts filming.