While the overall divorce rate has shown a modest decline over the past decade, that isn't true for people over 50.
There are a number of reasons believed to be contributing to the increase in so-called "gray divorces," which began to be noticed in the early 2000s. These social, economic, and medical factors have made people less prone to stay in an unfulfilling, played-out, or dangerous marriage. That doesn't mean the headaches and heartaches associated with divorce won't still be present, but they may take different forms.
Divorces rarely affect only the separating couple. While adult children may not have to worry about being pawns in a custody battle or having a life spread over two households, having their parents split can leave them questioning their entire childhood as they adjust to the newly single people in their lives. The aftermath of a gray divorce means a lot of changes for everyone involved.
It's a Twilight Divorce (Not Like the Sparkly Vampires Twilight)
Gray divorces are not restricted to the U.S. Names in other world locales include twilight divorce, mature divorce, and silver splitters. Despite the somewhat whimsical terms, being involved in a divorce is rarely fun or pleasant. What's fueling the swell in older couples throwing in the matrimonial towel?
There's no one particular reason gray divorces are on the rise, but rather several contributing elements. People are living longer, with an average life expectancy in the U.S. of a little over 78 years. Someone who is 50 and in an unhappy marriage may question the feasibility of spending the next thirty years with a person they don't really want to be around anymore. This can be magnified once any children have become adults and moved out of the house, leaving the spouses to reassess if their one-on-one relationship still works.
So, About Thanksgiving This Year ...
Obviously, the senior parents who are splitting up will have their lives altered in every way imaginable. While any minor children will have to deal with the fallout from the divorce, adult children are also likely to be affected. While in some cases it might be relief from knowing two people who no longer should be together are indeed parting, it's also common for grown children to wonder if their parents' marriage had always been broken.
Unless there's a clear villain in the split, like an abusive spouse or a parent caught having an affair, adult children can find themselves caught in an emotional tug-of-war as these newly alone people vie for their support and attention. Having a parent ask for dating advice can be shocking and unsettling for some. Having to listen to one parent gripe about the other can also be a source of stress.
Adult children with kids of their own will find themselves tasked with explaining why Grandma and Grandpa aren't together anymore, which is a conversation few wish to have. It can also make for difficult choices and uncomfortable situations during holidays. While being cognizant of the possible animosity, their children should try to make sure the grandparents put their grandchildren first instead of rehashing quarrels over a July 4th barbecue.
Bonds will be tested in a gray divorce, and a few hardships are common for all involved. Unfortunately, it sometimes occurs that adult children cease all contact with one of their parents in the aftermath of a gray divorce.
Who Gets the Dog?
While not having to deal with custody issues is a blessing, older divorcees experience many of the same issues that others ending their marriages do. These issues can be exacerbated by having spent decades together. Squabbling over who gets the beloved Labradoodle can happen between any couple, but who gets the friends in a social network cultivated over 30 or 40 years of marriage? How does it get decided? Can you still show up to an important celebration that your ex is going to be at?
There's also often more property involved when a couple has been working for decades to build a home. Keepsakes from vacations, a home that may have built up significant equity, and perhaps an approaching retirement can mean that property division is a complicated task.
Estate Planning
There are also some estate planning issues to consider with a gray divorce involving adult children. Often, it is a spouse who is the beneficiary of life insurance policies. They may have medical power of attorney. After a divorce later in life, some of these legal instruments may go to adult children. If so, it makes sense to talk to those adult children about what responsibilities and benefits they are comfortable with.
Starting Again
Choosing to start over after the age of 50 can be daunting. For those who have decided they need a change, it can be a breath of fresh air to have some autonomy or to take another swing at romance. It can also be lonely and challenging, especially at an advanced age.
Divorce is rarely uncomplicated or easy. It will affect everyone in your life, and nothing will be exactly the same. It can also be a new lease on life that's a far better choice than stewing in resentment, indifference, or fear. For many seniors, it appears to be worth the risks.
Related Resources
- Divorce in Retirement: Does Divorce Impact Social Security Benefits? (FindLaw's Family Law)
- Checklist: What To Do After a Divorce (FindLaw's Divorce Law)
- Kelley Wolf's Arrest During Divorce Shows the Cost of Disobeying Court Orders (FindLaw's Legally Weird)
