Mistakes to Avoid in a Do-It-Yourself Divorce

Before deciding to take the DIY route, research the process of filing for divorce in your state and consider issues that could become a sticking point between you and your spouse. Perhaps dividing up money and selling the house are easy to agree on, but you will need some help figuring out parenting time.

There are plenty of step-by-step guides available, but don't overlook the value of getting legal advice from a family law attorney to avoid costly and time-consuming mistakes. Here are a few of the most common and not-so-common mistakes to avoid during a DIY divorce.

Thinking You Have It All Figured Out

Couples can misunderstand how "easy" an uncontested divorce will be. One spouse might seem relaxed and on board until finances come up, or they second-guess the parenting time plan after seeing how much they will owe in child support.

Here are issues that even the most careful couples have often not considered:

• When will parents take vacations with the kids?
• Are you prepared to split your ex's debt?
• The house title is only in one person's name — what does this mean?
• Are you ready to pay your ex back for using their phone plan, health insurance, or flight miles?
• Residency requirements: Will it upset you if your ex gets a new place far away?

Sometimes, couples pay an online divorce service to get them through the divorce process. Although this may work in a given case, these programs can be costly. They can also miss requirements in your court's local rules.

You may find that your local family court offers standard divorce paperwork and forms online. Some courts have divorce toolkits or packets for self-represented litigants. Printing off the forms and going over them with your soon-to-be ex-spouse is a good place to start. For example, your court's standard separation agreement form will identify issues you must resolve before an uncontested divorce hearing. If you have children, you must also agree on terms for a parenting plan.

Not Being Realistic About Child Support

Many divorcing couples who think they can handle the divorce on their own get thrown off course by the issue of child support. State law calculates child support and is often based on each parent's income, time spent with the children, and several other factors.

Child support ensures that children have the same financial support, whether their parents are together or separated. Some parents think they can agree to a lower amount of child support, but the family court may not allow this.

Don't make the mistake of entering your own amount for child support in the divorce decree only to have the judge reject your agreement. The court or state law often requires you to run a child support worksheet and attach it to your divorce papers. If you seek to deviate from the guideline number, you must provide reasons. You may also need to give a worksheet considering the child support deviation you seek.

Often, one or both spouses presume that if they agree to joint custody (shared parenting), there will be no child support order, or it will "zero out." They conclude that if we share parenting time equally, then there would be no need for child support.

Yet, courts will look at the financial situation in each household after the divorce. Equality of parenting time will only be one factor. To provide adequate funds for each house, they may find it's in the children's best interests that the higher-earning spouse pays child support to the lower-earning spouse.

Thinking You'll Get Half of Everything or a Large Amount of Spousal Support

Only a few community property states make 50% of all marital property a given. Most others allow for the judge's discretion in property division. Many people go into divorce proceedings thinking they will "take them for everything they've got," only to discover they end up with much less money than they predicted.

Keep in mind:

• You might get 50% of their assets, but they can get 50% (or more) of yours.
• Anything bought before the marriage can't be touched (cars, boats, cabins, homes, pets, etc.) unless the value of the property increased during the marriage.
• Taxes can make two things with seemingly equal face value worth very different amounts, such as a 401(k) vs. real estate.
• Any retirement account built up from funds earned by a spouse during the marriage will likely face division, even when it is only in one spouse's name.
• Spousal support or alimony is often based on the judge's discretion (using legal factors), so it may not be easy to predict. Sometimes, an experienced attorney knows how a judge ordinarily handles spousal support, which can help.
• Just because you make less than your spouse doesn't automatically mean you will get alimony or spousal support.

Courts may require disclosing financial information from the spouses in uncontested and contested divorce cases. In an uncontested case, this helps the judge confirm before the court hearing that the parties' agreement is fair. The court will weigh financial exhibits and testimony in a contested case to determine an equitable financial outcome.

Thinking a Divorce Is Easy or 'It's Just Paperwork'

Even the most amazing ex-partners and amicable divorce cases can take months or years. This is because local court systems have their own processes, customs, and legal red tape.

Hiring an attorney is like having a guide through the court system maze. They can help you avoid mistakes, react correctly to individual judges, and follow the correct divorce process much faster.

Even in a simple divorce, where parties have minimal assets or debts, there may be value in paying a professional for divorce mediation before you file. A mediator familiar with your domestic relations court can help you finalize agreements and get them into the court's expected form. They may know the filing fee for the divorce in your county and help you access key forms in a joint petition like a waiver of service.

In most divorce cases, anything you can do to reach an agreement out of court before you file papers with the court clerk is time well spent. Of course, meeting one-on-one without legal assistance has risks. For example, in situations that involve domestic violence, such advance cooperation may not be safe. It could lead to manipulation by an abusive spouse and an unjust result. A spouse escaping family violence may qualify for legal aid that would provide valuable help in pursuing a protection order and a divorce.

Focusing on the Divorce and Not the Future

It's easy to focus on getting away from your ex and starting your new life. Too many people don't think about what they will need to make their finances work once the divorce settlement agreement is final.

You need to plan for two households, paying bills on your own, getting your own car and health insurance, separating your credit card and cell phone accounts, child support payments, and more. Sometimes, people might agree to split bills for their children 50/50. But that may not be realistic if you end up shorting your own household expenses to do it.

In some jurisdictions, couples may face a waiting period before the court can finalize their divorce. This may give the spouses time to explore how to separate their households before the court finalizes an agreement. Putting a proposed settlement into action temporarily may help each spouse see what they need going forward.

A divorce attorney can tell you how much money you need from the settlement to live comfortably in the future.

Thinking You Can Work Through Children's Issues Without Formal Plans or Schedules

Even the best exes can run into trouble without a legal parenting plan. Exes who remain friends may think they can just "see how it goes" with child custody or let the kids decide when they want to go to each other's houses. This can go south quickly if kids favor one house above the other or want to spend all vacations and holidays with the other parent.

Divorcing parents may think they can agree on child custody issues, (including parenting time, schools, or children's health care) without specific provisions in an agreement. Until they don't.

Although you can't anticipate every future possible disagreement over the kids, it helps if you have a plan you've agreed to in advance. For example, if the designated "school parent" moves to another district, a plan can address whether the school parent remains the same. What if you don't agree on a course of medical treatment for a child? A parenting plan can spell out a structure for resolving a conflict.

The situation can also change as exes date or marry someone else, have kids with new people, or move away for a job. If you want, you can handle problems as they arise, but it is smart to have a legal document to fall back on. Most courts will insist that you do. If a major issue comes up, you will have something setting expectations for everyone to follow.

Most courts expect you as parents to take charge and set realistic and fair parenting time schedules. They are not likely to sanction a plan that defaults to the children making important decisions about the parent-child relationship.

Giving in Out of Guilt or to Keep Peace

It is tempting to feel sorry for your spouse when a marriage ends. It is not unusual for one or both spouses to grieve the loss of the marriage to some extent.

Kindness will help the divorce process go smoothly, but you must keep your best interests — and those of your children — first. Spouses who give in or give away too much just to get it over with often have regrets later. People hire a divorce attorney to negotiate for them so they don't have to feel mean or stubborn.

Just because an ex has less money than you, dearly loves your pet, really wants your vintage car, or is upset they gave you a family heirloom doesn't mean you have to give back gifts or let them take things you want.

Think about the rest of your life and consider what is important to you. You only get one chance at reaching a favorable outcome in your divorce.

Thinking Hiring an Attorney Is All-Or-Nothing

Many law firms take retainers and charge hourly fees for divorce work, but some firms are starting to allow "unbundled" options. You can choose what legal services you pay a flat fee for and what to handle. This can keep the divorce costs down but still get you the legal help and advice you need for a successful divorce.

When parties have significant assets but remain cooperative, they may consider pursuing a collaborative divorce. In this form of alternative dispute resolution, the parties hire attorneys and work with them in an open and productive discussion to resolve all the issues in the case. All this takes place out of court. Upon settling, the attorneys provide the proposed final judgment entry and settlement agreement to the court for approval. The collaborative divorce attorneys must withdraw if the parties elect to leave the process and file a traditional divorce.

DIY Divorce: Related Resources

• Self-Help Resources for Divorce
• LawHelp.org — General information
• Filing and Serving Divorce Papers

Have More Questions? Speak to a Lawyer

Even when you think you will both agree, a do-it-yourself divorce has challenges. In most communities, you can have a free or low-cost consultation with a divorce lawyer.

You can explore their services to see if the attorney is right for you. Don't hesitate to ask about attorney fees upfront. An experienced attorney should not hesitate to explain their services and fee schedule.