Why Some People Are Entering a Second Marriage With Their First Spouse
“Soulmates.” “Till death do us part.” “I want to grow old together.” Society often presents love stories as linear journeys culminating in the ultimate goal of finding "the one" and living happily ever after. Reality is more complicated.
The average adult may experience multiple relationships and fall in love several times, with divorce rates reflecting these complexities. Despite this, the notion that divorce equates to failure persists, overshadowing the grey areas of separation and reconciliation.
A lot of Americans regret getting married, and some of them get divorced. But what about the ones that regret getting divorced?
Divorce and Remarriage Trends
The United States has one of the highest divorce rates in the world, tied for fourth place on some lists of countries by divorce rate in recent years.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, from 2011 to 2021, the divorce rates among U.S. women aged 15 and older saw a notable decline, dropping from 9.7 to 6.9 divorces per 1,000 women. This trend, however, varied significantly across different states, highlighting the diverse marital dynamics across the country. For instance, Idaho and Arkansas reported some of the highest divorce rates in 2021 (about 11 per 1,000 women), while New Hampshire had one of the lowest (4.3 per 1,000 women).
Many couples navigate the tumultuous waters of separation only to find themselves reuniting. In 2021, 3.2% of divorced males and 1.72% of divorced females got remarried. But the remarriage trend has declined in the past couple of decades. In 2008, it was 4.89% for divorced males and 2.52% for females.
There are countless celebrity couples who have changed their minds, gotten divorced, and remarried. You might not have known that perhaps the most famous legal celebrity has also done so. That’s right, Judge Judy herself divorced from her husband Jerry Sheindlin before remarrying him the following year.
Divorce regret is not confined to the rich and famous. According to Psychology Today, studies suggest that at least one-third of people regret their marriage dissolution, with this number rising to 80% for those who feel their divorce could have been prevented with more effort.
Are There Legal Obstacles?
Once divorced, you are free to remarry whoever you'd like. If that happens to be your previous partner, there are no laws prohibiting it.
That's not to say there might not be some additional considerations when remarrying your former spouse. For example, if financial issues led to the separation, it might make sense to enter into a prenuptial agreement before re-tying the knot. Also, keep in mind that if there are minor children, child support will end. While you are free to enter into a voluntary arrangement about who pays for what expenses relating to your children, this will not be legally binding in the way court-ordered child support payments are.
Generally speaking, however, remarrying your former spouse is just like any other remarriage.
Therapy’s Role In Reconciliation
The emotional upheaval of divorce can exceed expectations, leading to long-lasting grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, and depression. The impact on children and financial consequences further complicate the decision, often leading to regret. Thus, it’s no surprise that therapy and communication play crucial roles in healing and understanding these complex emotions.
A couple divorcing due to, say, infidelity, may take some time apart and go through extensive therapy only to decide that they’re in a better place to prevent a repeat of that issue. Therapy can help one or both members of a “failed” relationship understand their individual needs and the unrealistic expectations that had strained their marriage. Other external factors, such as grief, stress, or financial difficulties, can be resolved with time and professional help and eventually end up in reconciliation.
The rising awareness and use of therapy have contributed to a decline in divorce rates. This is likely helped due to more books, podcasts, and reality shows producing content surrounding the issue. For example, the documentary TV show Couples Therapy provides an intimate look into the therapy sessions of several couples as they navigate their relationship issues. The show features real-life couples working with a licensed therapist, who helps them explore their problems, communicate more effectively, and work towards resolving their conflicts.
No-Fault Divorce Changes the Legal Game
The changing legal landscape around divorce, such as the introduction of "no-fault" divorce, has also influenced reconciliation rates. By removing the need to assign blame, couples can navigate their separation with less anger and resentment, sometimes leading to reunification.
No-fault divorce, first legalized in California in 1969 and eventually adopted by all states by 2010, revolutionized the legal landscape of marriage dissolution in the United States. Prior to this, couples seeking divorce had to allege and prove fault, such as adultery, abandonment, or cruelty, which often led to fabricated scenarios and unnecessary legal battles. The introduction of no-fault divorce allowed couples to end their marriages based on "irreconcilable differences" without the need to assign blame, simplifying the process and reducing the emotional and financial toll on both parties.
The impact of no-fault divorce on marriage and remarriage has been significant. Initially, it led to a spike in divorce rates, as couples who were previously trapped in unhappy marriages found a more accessible path to separation. However, over time, the divorce rates stabilized and even declined. The easier access to divorce also influenced societal views on marriage, making it less of an unbreakable contract and more of a partnership that can be ended if it no longer serves the individuals involved. This shift has, in some cases, encouraged more thoughtful and deliberate decisions regarding marriage and remarriage.
The reduced conflict and adversarial nature of divorce proceedings under no-fault laws can create a less hostile environment, potentially making it easier for couples to consider reconciliation during the mandatory waiting periods. Additionally, the streamlined process allows individuals to move on more quickly and remarry if they choose, without the prolonged and contentious battles that characterized fault-based divorces.
Consequences of Remarriage
Although we always love celebrating love, there are some things you should keep in mind if getting divorced and remarried, as these are both legal processes that can impact your day-to-day life and future finances.
Getting remarried can significantly impact your Social Security benefits and financial planning. If you remarry after a divorce, you generally cannot collect benefits on your ex-spouse's record unless your subsequent marriage ends by annulment, divorce, or death. Remarriage before age 60 disqualifies you from receiving Social Security survivor's benefits based on your former spouse's record, although remarrying after age 60 (or 50 if disabled) allows you to still collect these benefits.
Additionally, your SSI benefits may change based on your new spouse's work record, potentially increasing your monthly benefit if your new spouse's benefits are higher than your own. It's crucial to report any name changes to the Social Security Administration to ensure accurate tax filings and benefit calculations.
Given these complexities, consulting with a family law attorney can help you navigate the financial implications of remarriage, ensuring you make informed decisions about your Social Security and retirement planning.