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The cost of metrosexual theft: $5,200. That's how much a well-groomed man's theft tallied up to after he stole a variety of bourgie drug-store items. Police are still on the hunt for the well-dressed, prolific shopper in Colorado.
Once apprehended, the well-groomed man is likely to face a high-end theft charge.
In Colorado, theft is broken down into four classes based on the value of the items stolen.
The well-groomed thief stole teeth-whitening strips, weight-loss pills, Rogaine, probiotics, and condoms worth $5,200, Denver's KMGH-TV reports. That puts him in the Class 4 category, which is a felony.
The dapper thief had better put on his best suit for court, because the penalties for a Class 4 felony theft in Colorado can be pretty stiff.
At a minimum, he'll be facing a sentence of two years in jail and/or a $1,000 fine if convicted.
But if his fabulous pocketsquare doesn't do the trick, he can face up to six years in jail and/or a $20,000 fine -- a fine that adds up to so many teeth-whitening strips and toner cartridges.
Alas, the stress of a felony may be getting to the well-groomed thief. Along with Rogaine, he also made off with an assortment of other hair-growth products. Don't worry, Dapper Thief, baldness is nothing a nice fedora can't fix -- but you should pay for it this time.
In the meantime, police are asking for the public's help to find the man with a "neatly groomed mustache and beard," KMGH reports.
During his shopping-but-actually-theft spree, the culprit was seen wearing gray slacks, a gray sweater, a blue dress shirt, and a red tie. To complete the look, he carried a black coat -- which doubles as a nice concealer for stolen merchandise.
Soon enough, he might have to trade in the coat for a nice little orange jumpsuit. For his sake, let's hope orange is in this season.