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If you were to steal someone's golf cart after assaulting them, crash said golf cart into a gate, then refuse to cooperate with police officers while slinging misogynistic and homophobic slurs their way, you would probably be arrested on suspicion of a laundry list of criminal offenses: robbery, auto theft, criminal damage, resisting arrest, and driving under the influence among them. If you're lucky, prosecutors might whittle those charges down to a couple felonies (theft of a means of transportation and resisting arrest with physical force), charge the assault as a misdemeanor, and leave the DUI for city court.
And if you're Indianapolis Colts defensive lineman David Parry, you might strike a plea deal avoiding any jail time at all by pleading guilty to just one count of disorderly conduct and one count of attempted unlawful means of transportation.
I Love It
Video of Parry's Scottsdale, Arizona arrest was made public, and it wasn't pretty. After the golf cart owner, who was driving it as a taxi, called cops when a customer punched him and stole his cart, officers found Parry sitting on a sidewalk some 50 feet from the missing cart, too intoxicated to stand. Upon his arrest, Parry laughed and began using misogynistic and homophobic slurs, telling officers, "I'm coming after all of you. I love it, I love it."
According to the Indy Star, Parry could not even submit to a breathalyzer test he was so nauseous and unsteady, and instead police were forced to take his blood. The results of that test have not been made public, but Parry's DUI charge remains open in Scottsdale City Court.
Ultimately, Parry pleaded guilty to just two charges: disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, and attempted unlawful means of transportation, the lowest-level felony under Arizona law. His plea agreement reportedly includes no jail time, although he will be sentenced to supervised probation, the length of which will be determined on May 31. A judge will determine the length of time on probation.
Should Parry fail to meet the conditions of his probation, however, the charges and guilty plea could have him "facing some real prison time," as his attorney put it.