How Can I Help a Friend Who Is In an Abusive Relationship?

Whether we're aware of it or not, most of us have known someone who is in an abusive relationship. It could be a friend, family member, or neighbor you rarely talk to.

Many domestic abuse victims try to hide the fact that they have an abusive partner. They might make excuses for why they have bruises and other injuries.

In many cases, the last thing a victim of domestic violence wants is for their friends and loved ones to find out what is happening to them. They might fear that a confrontation with their partner could lead to further abuse, or put their friend or family member in danger as well.

This is what makes it so difficult to help a friend who is experiencing abuse. While looking the other way might be easier, we owe it to each other to offer support whenever possible.

Here, we’ll discuss how you can help a friend or relative in an abusive situation. We will also provide links to helpful resources for people suffering from intimate partner violence.

Domestic Violence - The Warning Signs

There are specific signs to look for if you suspect a friend or coworker is in a violent relationship. Remember: Just because your friend or loved one doesn’t complain about physical abuse, that doesn’t mean they’re safe.

Some of the warning signs that a friend is in a relationship with an abusive person include:

• Physical signs such as bruises, red marks on their neck/throat, sprained wrists
• Wearing long-sleeve clothing (even in the summer) or sunglasses inside
• Isolating themselves from family and friends
• Anxious and fearful all or much of the time
• Overly apologetic, especially to their abusive partner
• Backing out of social situations
• Lack of interest in activities they used to enjoy
• Lack of self-esteem

You may feel like you should confront the person immediately if you notice these things. However, the most important thing you can do is talk to your friend and ask them if they’re okay. Of course, they will likely say that they are fine. Find a way to be persistent without isolating them even further.

How to Offer Emotional Support to Victims of Domestic Violence

Regardless of how close you are to someone experiencing domestic abuse, it will likely be difficult to get them to open up about the abuse. In many cases, not only are they embarrassed about their situation, but they’re also afraid of what will happen if they confront their abuser.

The best thing you can do for your friend is offer them emotional support and help them devise a safety plan. This is especially true if you sense that they’re in immediate danger. While you may want to call your local domestic violence advocacy groups or shelters, you have to let your friend make their own decisions.

It will likely take several conversations to get them to admit they’re suffering from abuse. This can be frustrating. Sometimes, you’ll be tempted to tell your friend what they must do. The problem is that your friend is already anxious and afraid. If you push the issue too hard, they could retreat and isolate themselves further.

Practical Advice You Can Give Your Friend or Loved One

It’s crucial that you be a sounding board for your friend or loved one and that you take practical steps to protect them and remove them from the abusive situation.

It can be hard to watch your friend suffer at the hands of their abuser. However, you have to let them make their own choices about how to deal with the abuse. If they aren't ready to seek out a support group, you cannot make them go.

The same is true for domestic violence helplines. You cannot force them to visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline or take the advice the domestic violence advocates provide.

You can be a shoulder for your friend to lean on and offer practice advice that will hopefully bring them closer to getting the help they need.

How to Address the Problem Without Isolating Your Friend

Your friend will indeed need a sympathetic ear when discussing their relationship with an abusive partner. However, the goal is to get them to seek help.

Some tips to follow when confronting a friend who’s a victim of domestic or sexual violence include:

• Do not blame them for the abuse
• Remind them that they have a support system
• Offer a safe place for them to stay
• Take care of yourself so you can be strong for your friend or loved one
• Research domestic violence programs online and seek out local resources
• If need be, drive them to the courthouse to file for an order of protection
• Be there for them even if they refuse to leave their partner

Some situations are so dangerous that your only option is to notify the local authorities. If you believe your friend is in immediate danger or may consider harming themselves, call for help.

How an Attorney Can Help

Ideally, you’ll be able to convince your friend that they should leave their abusive situation. However, even if they agree to go, they’ll likely need legal help filing for a restraining order or order of protection. This is where an attorney can help.

Unfortunately, you cannot get an order for protection on someone else's behalf. Your friend or loved one must file for it themselves. And finding a compassionate attorney who can help someone experiencing domestic violence might feel impossible for someone who is in that situation.

You can help by researching local family law or domestic violence attorneys, helping to make appointments, and even going with your loved one to the consultation.

Your friend doesn't have to handle this on their own, and neither do you.