Domestic Violence Safety Plans

People often ask why victims of domestic violence stay in abusive relationships. Especially today, when people have many more options than in the 1950s and 1960s, particularly women. Why can't abuse victims just walk out the front door? Sadly, many of the same obstacles that existed in 1960 are still there in 2025.

Today, we know that both men and women can be victims of domestic violence. Domestic abuse occurs in short-term relationships and long-term marriages. Heterosexual and LGBTQ+ partners are all at risk. Anyone may have an abusive partner, and the effects are devastating.

This article discusses what keeps people from leaving an abusive relationship, tips that can help them do so safely, and legal options that can help keep them safe.

What Keeps People in Abusive Situations?

Abusive relationships are complex cycles that play out between the abuser and the victim. Both sides have roles to play, and if one partner upsets the balance, the other becomes angry and confused. Domestic violence programs have studied these complicated relationships and identified many things that keep victims with their abusers, such as:

• Fear: This could be fear of the abuser's reaction due to threats, manipulation, and intimidation. It can also be the victim's fear that they can't survive alone. Many victims have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, and their abuser has manipulated this trait further.
• Shame: The abuser may work on the victim's belief that they deserve the abuse or that others will say that they do. In some contexts, such as a man abused by a woman, social pressure may keep the victim quiet. Even today, a man might have a hard time admitting that his wife has been abusing him.
• Dependence: Financial pressure still keeps many spouses dependent on their abusive spouse. Immigration status can prevent others from leaving, especially undocumented immigrants who lack green cards.
• Isolation: Abusers take steps to isolate victims from family and social support networks. Without friends and family close at hand, victims have nowhere to turn for help.

People in abusive relationships often cared for one another at some point. Both partners may have somehow normalized abuse and cannot see that their relationship is toxic or unsafe.

However, there are many types of domestic violence, ranging from physical violence to emotional or financial abuse. And when the abused partner has had enough, it's important to have a safety plan in place before they leave.

Safety Plans and Exit Strategies

There are many articles on how to recognize domestic violence and abusive relationships. Leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. For that reason, it's essential to have a safety plan in place.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you create a personalized safety plan online. The Hotline stores this plan online, where only you can access it. Develop a safety plan with another trusted individual or family member so that someone else knows your plans. The plan should meet your specific needs and concerns.

Some domestic violence experts suggest you have two plans, a long-term plan, and an emergency plan, in case you must leave in a hurry.

Keep All Planning Information Where Your Abuser Cannot Find It

Your safety plans must remain confidential whether you work or stay at home. If you know your abuser has access to your cell phone or social media accounts, do not leave any information there.

Do not share information with anyone you cannot trust to keep it secret. This may include your children and other family members.

Gather Important Documents and Items

Assemble important documents and other items and put them somewhere safe if you need to leave in a hurry. Your "go-bag" might include:

• Identification documents (driver's license, passport, birth certificate, Social Security card)
• Financial documents (bank account information, recent tax returns, copies of property deeds, rental agreements)
• Health insurance cards and medical records
• Legal documents (marriage certificates, divorce decrees, and custody orders)
• Immigration documents, green cards, work permits
• Copies of car keys, house keys, safety deposit box keys

If you can keep your go-bag with you, do so. Leave it with a trusted friend or family member if you can't keep it in the house.

Save Money

If you work and your money goes into a joint bank account, you may need assistance siphoning your money into a separate account or taking out cash if possible. Domestic violence organizations can help you find alternative sources of income.

Make a List of Safe People and Places

Make a list of people you can call and places you can go in an emergency. Contact these people beforehand and explain your situation so they will expect your call. Memorize their phone numbers if you can. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommends having a safe word or code word so they will know if you are in trouble.

Pick the Best Time to Leave

It's best to exit when your abuser is absent from the house. Recognize any signals of anger, stress, or frustration in both the abuser and yourself. Avoid the temptation to make a scene, declare your independence, or go back for something you forgot. Leave, go to your safe place, and do not return unless law enforcement officers accompany you.

If You Have Children

Abusers often keep their victims close by promising to harm the children or threatening to keep the children from them. Sadly, these promises often come true. If you can take the children with you, you should do so.

Children are usually acutely aware of any violence in the home, even if they are not targets. Parents do not do them any favors by staying in abusive relationships or pretending everything is okay. At the same time, if a parent flees with the children, they must be aware the other parent can and sometimes will file charges of parental abduction against them. You should always talk with a child custody attorney if you want to take your children and leave.

If You Have Pets

Abusers will threaten animals and harm them even more often than they will children. The Animal Welfare Institute has information to help abuse victims find emergency homes for pets when a crisis hits.

If You Must Leave Immediately

Local domestic violence agencies can help you find a safe space if you need to flee your home in an emergency. Keep a few things in mind:

• Shelters are often full. Women with small children have priority at all times.
• LGBTQ+ shelters may be reluctant to provide space to straight males because of the risk of other types of violence. This is not due to bias; it is to protect the safety of residents.

Domestic violence agencies will do their best to help you, even if they must find space outside your local area.

After You Leave

Fear of retaliation often prevents people from leaving abusive relationships. Fear of the world sometimes makes them return. Once you have left your home, there are things you need to do to stay safe. Domestic violence agencies and caseworkers can help you with some of these steps, and you can get help from legal aid and family law attorneys.

Immediately after you leave, you may want to patch things up with your abuser. This is normal. It is also very dangerous. Your abuser may feel vulnerable and want to "fix" their problem, too.

The National Institutes of Health reports that at least 65% of all abuse victims have returned to their abusers at least once, and most have returned several times. Having a post-escape strategy may keep you from returning. Consider the tips below:

• If you are working, ask for different work hours, a different location, or a different desk in your office. Ask if the secretary can screen your calls.
• Change your cell phone number immediately. Most providers can unlist your number or block your incoming calls. Tell your workplace not to give out your number to any callers.
• If you still live in your home, change the locks. Consider investing in a home alarm system.
• Get a P.O. Box for your mail. If your city has a confidentiality program, apply for it.

If you must stay in the same town or city, let your friends and neighbors know you have left your abusive partner. Permit them to call the police if they think you're in trouble.

Legal Steps to Consider

Abusive relationships are about the abuser's control over you. Taking your case to court takes control away from both of you and puts it into the hands of the police and a judge. When you are ready to take these steps, it's important to understand your options and their impact.

Restraining Orders

A restraining order is a court order that instructs the abuser to stay away from the victim. Depending on the nature of the order, it can restrict the abuser from:

• Approaching the victim's residence, workplace, or vehicle
• Approaching the children's school
• Calling, texting, or emailing the victim
• Harassing the victim in any way

Restraining orders can limit the abuser's rights to own weapons, require the abuser to pay the victim's rent or bills, and lay out other conditions. The one thing the restraining order cannot do is physically prevent the abuser from harming the victim.

A protection order allows the victim to call law enforcement if the abuser violates the terms of the order. If the abuser violates the order too often or too egregiously, the court may hold the abuser in contempt of court and put them in jail. A restraining order cannot keep the victim safe from harm.

Divorce and Custody

When you are ready to file for divorce, you should make it part of your exit strategy. If you and your partner are not married, you may still need to divide any property you own together.

If you can safely discuss divorce, custody, and safety planning with a domestic violence attorney in your area before leaving your partner, you should do so. It may make leaving easier if you know that your legal affairs are in place before you make your escape.